If you’re not familiar with the character Stefon, played by Bill Hader, don’t tell anyone I introduced you to him. The intrepid city correspondent on Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update is an acquired taste, that is if you’re OK with absurdity.
As if Stefon’s vocal antics and non sequiturs aren’t hilarious enough, it’s Hader’s tendency to “break” on camera that keeps his fans interested.
The fact is, most of the lines fed to him on cue cards are surprises, devious attempts to to trip him up.
Why Stefon? And Why Now?
As you may know, I frequent as many roller rinks as possible, whether I’m in town or on the road.
You may also know that I write a regular column for Lancaster Newspapers called Side Ways. My next one for the Sunday Times will be a review of local skating haunts.
I thought it would be fun for you, my loyal T.C. readers, to join me in imagining my review filtered through Stefon’s persona.
The idea of pitching all the highs and lows of of skating rinks, in my mind, sounds best with his pizzazz.
I suggest reading it aloud but only in a secure environment or among trusted friends. 🤪
Stefon, you’ve got the pulse of skating centers in central PA. Tell us, where should we go for some good family fun?
Looking for a place to skate with a little grip under your wheels?
Then Doc’s Family Fun Center in Middletown is the place for you.
Just up the road from Three Mile Island, this glowing little getaway of family frolicking is cramped, slow, and has a seating area that looks like bleachers because it is. You’re right, it’s a kids’ hockey rink moonlighting as a place to get down to the music.
Get down on Doc’s floor. It’s got tiny holes filled with dust. And look up! The ceiling is something else.
Well, what if we’re looking for a bigger place with a bit more class?
OK, I see. I’ve got one. Maybe you’re in the mood for being seen on the skating scene. If so…
Lancaster County’s hottest rink is Overlook Activities Center and Roller Rink.
This no-nonsense flat track under bright lights has it all: A decent sound system, status quo tunes, and a large floor for TikTok sensation Dean Wenrich and his crew to shuffle smoother then a Black Jack dealer.
If that weren’t enough, Overlook’s the home floor for the roller derby team, the Dutchland Rollers whose skaters boast monikers like Ankler Merkel, Slipnot Suzie, and Wizzo.
That place sounds a bit on the wild side, Stefon Can you recommend a more family friendly place?
Yes, yes, yes, yes! I’ve got it!
If you want to party with the locals to a cocktail of the latest hot hits pumped through a finely tuned PA and just the right mood-inducing light effects,
The Castle Roller Rink has it all:
A snack bar, pro shop, and a faux medieval theme rivaling that purple dinosaur that peeks out from the castle at Dutch Wonderland whose name no one can remember.
Tucked in behind Giant Foods, this Lancaster teen canteen was once a field house of the historic Maple Grove park. Let’s just call it Groove park now, if you catch my drift.
But don’t drift too fast. The Castle skate guards’ lips are as tense on their whistles as an NBA referee whenever Embiid gets in the lane. And skating backwards? Forget it, Busta Moves. You only get one song for that.
Hmm. That sounds really nice, Stefon, but what if we’re in the mood for something a bit more streetwise?
Right. Well, if you’re looking for more bounce to the ounce on a the hardest floor on the east coast, then head on out to York’s hottest night spot:
Roll R Way.
Hands down, this joint’s got the kickingest PA system and atmosphere for the ultimate night of urban gliding.
RRW’s got it all: Florescent graffiti art, live shows, and friendly patrons who are happy to help you up if your head makes contact with the cement.
I don’t know, Stefon. That sounds like an injury waiting to happen. If you could only get out to one skating rink tonight, which one would you chose?
OK, so there’s one more, and it’s the best. I promise.
Are you looking for the premiere skating experience in the heart of PA Dutch Country?
Well, you must check out Mt. Gretna!
Nestled in a forest near Lebanon, PA, this grind house is historic, huge, and has that thing where an elderly couple sits in a corner and slaps keys to create sounds your grandparents could wig out to.
They call it an organ, and it’s what you’ll get sometimes at this bacchanalia of the brushwood.
Gretna’s floor is three basketball courts with benches in the center of the floor and enough room to zoom and loop to Dua Lipa in a trance.
Would you rather skate backwards like that guy who writes the Side Ways column for LNP and looks like your uncle who collects beer taps? Roll up like that all you want. Just look out for those wavy spots on the floor.
And if you fall, you can laugh it off. Gretna’s terra firma is softa than Armstrong linoleum on plywood.
Did somebody say wood? Not only is this funk house in the woods, it’s all wood, sir.
Be hot, but don’t light a match.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Stefon!
Stefon and I dedicate this column to one spot we missed out on: Mr. Q’s Family Skate Center in West Manchester Township, York.
Sadly, this memory-filled rink burned to the ground on January 16, 2022. May Mr. Q rise again!
Now get on out, and skate. Just be sure to call me first.
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“Glowing little getaway” near Three Mile Island…(sigh).